So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
