My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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