You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
