his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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