In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
