now i know why i became what i already was.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
