Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
