im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize