I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
