so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
