So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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