When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
