Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
