if only i could text you this smell
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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