i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
