i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize