I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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