Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
