Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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