Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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