Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize