im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Randomize
