it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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