Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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