I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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