So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize