Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
