There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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