just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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