he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
