1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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