yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
