there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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