oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
