I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
