i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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