We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
