so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
