ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
