I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
