I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
