I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
