Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
