Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize