he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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