The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
