I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
