Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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