You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
