I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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