4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
