found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
