We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
