i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
