I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
