I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Terrible idea I love it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
