I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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