Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
