Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
