First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
